Yeah, So-and-So (Name removed for confidentiality sake)! Excellent questions! And, every time I share the deep wounds of my soul... I do so praying that God will change a life through it. David said in Psalm 119, "It is good that I have been afflicted that I might learn thy statutes."... With that said, I can now look back on the darkest days of my life, and see that Romans 8:28 is right... And He IS working ALL things for His glory!
Let me preface this discussion by saying. I was not necessarily looking to forgive my perpetrator. The man who molested, sodomized, and raped me continually for over a year was a family friend. I was 11 and he was 15. He has been in prison numerous times in three states. He was a family friend. He was large 6' 3" at 15 years old... And as a boy beginning to enter puberty he knew just what to say to interest me sexually. I have done much study on this type of assault. He then used "blackmail" to keep me quiet... Saying things like, "I'll tell people you're a fag if you tell anyone!" or "No one will believe you!", etc., etc., etc.
Several things added to the condemnation that came with this type of assault. First, it was sexually pleasurable. Second, because of the manipulation I did not combat his advances. Third, I never spoke-up, or said anything. After me... Many more of my friends were assaulted by this man, many young men in other states, and other assaults happened as well... This also made me feel responsible for the damage that was brought into these men's lives.
As a result, I battled with fear that I was a homosexual. So, I turned to sexual relationships with females... Further adding to the shame and feelings of "dirtiness"... Then, as I mentioned, I was ANGRY, hurt, embarrassed, always fearful that he would tell, or someone would find out. I would later find out that as he began to assault younger friends of mine he would tell them, "There's nothing wrong with this! Richard and I do it all the time!".
I was filled with rage! I knew God highly favored me! I knew God had something special for me, but how could a loving God allow this to happen to me?! So, I got ticked at Him too! Ran away from home at 17, and then joined the Marine Corps. three days after I graduated high school. I was looking for a legal way to do bodily damage to anyone!
Consciously, I would never admit that this man was continuing to destroy my life... See, at 15 I got big into weightlifting, and sports... Swearing that he would never hurt me again. But, his actions continued to kill me everyday!
Subconsciously, this abuse was the "excuse"/"reason" that I would use to justify my poor, sinful, and destructive choices. I'm sure I don't have to elaborate...
So, fast forward nearly a decade. I've had sexual relationship with many women, I've delved into every form of addictive behavior one can fathom, I've made money, had cars, trucks, toys more than the mind could imagine... But my soul was EMPTY! There was NO SATISFACTION!
My beautiful wife found my stash of Crystal Meth on a Saturday morning. The next day God's grace gripped my heart... I can't explain it! It was supernatural! I still don't know if I got saved, or yielded completely... It was just absolute brokenness with NOTHING held in reserve! I gave up my lucrative mortgage career to come to work at the church...
Anyway, not long after that I was introduced to RU. Through God's providence... The first principle that I ever saw was principle #10. It states, "God balances guilt with blame. If you'll accept the blame for your actions God will remove the guilt.". That night I did! I told God that I didn't understand what happened, why it happened, or anything else for that matter, but I was no longer going to use my rape as a scapegoat for MY sin.
About a month later... My wife and I are lying in bed. (I had STILL never told ANYONE about the sexual abuse)... And, I don't want to sound weird, but I kinda' had like an out of body experience. Again, it was totally supernatural! I went into the fetal position in my bed (all the while it was like I was looking down on what was happening) and I began to weep, sob, and scream. My wife thought I had turned back to drugs so she called my dad. After communicating to him the things I was saying, and through God's intervention they realized that in a child-like manner I was begging for their parental help... The help I had been scared to ask for for 16 years. THEY CAME RUNNING! In the middle of the night, my dad held my hot, sweaty, shaking body as though I was that little boy. Once I "came back to"... I shared what had happened, how it happened, etc. They told me it was alright, that it wasn't my fault, etc. Hearing those things helped, but God had already lifted the burden!
I WAS FREE!
The thing, I think, that has helped the most is talking about it. I find that sexual abuse is so taboo. And that only levies more guilt, shame, and dirtiness. So, I tell people... A LOT! And, I find that it has helped some people deal with what they have experienced. That has re-affirmed to me that... Well... At least it didn't happen in vain! If that makes sense?! God has brought me now to the place where, literally, I praise Him for counting me worthy to suffer in that fashion. And, I sense that He allowed it because He knew I would face it, discuss it, and illuminate it. But, I certainly didn't get to this place overnight! Be patient with yourself, and with God! Let Him perform the miracle in your heart.
Sexually victimized people are wounded, blackened souls... NO DOUBT! But God is the Healer, and the Light! Just open that wound to Him, and you'll hear Him say, "It's okay! It's not your fault!" And, I believe you'll be made free too!
Hope this helps,
-R
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
0 comments:
Post a Comment